It's been another 4 months again. But this time is a little different. I'm writing this at 4AM. Can't really get into sleep. I'm bothered by lovey-dovey related things again, hate the feeling of jealousy, and it sucks when I'm jealous on my own friend.
Anyway, doesn't really wanna talk about it. So now I'm into a new job, a job that I never thought that I will be in. Guess it's fate, or maybe I'm just too lazy to find for other job. Not sure if I'm on the right path, cause this job is gonna take my time for at least 3 years to get used to everything. Graduated in psychology & management degree, but ended up working as a property developer, it's not even connected at all. Every friends of mine asked the same question, why are you in this field? Why is your salary so little yet you still wanna work for it? For me salary isn't a big deal to me, as long as I'm still able to cover up my basic expenses and survive, getting the entry level salary is sad of course, but I have to bear with it in order to get what I want, it doesn't matter how much things I'm gonna do for my employer, it doesn't matter how much time I have to spent on my work. Just because I'm doing everything in this company from A to Z, it's the best opportunity for me to learn everything, to understand everything in detail.
"The smaller the thing is, the more you should pay attention for" , this is how great people achieve what others cannot achieve, be cautious of the details and know everything that's running throughout the process. I'm still lazy , stuck up with the games that I've been playing for 10 years, I'm trying to get rid of it, it's hard, but I know my future will be ruined if I keep playing it. I can give out awesome advice that everyone wonders how can this young man give such wise advice, but actually I'm that kind of person that only talks more than doing and proving it. I'm just never good in executing something. There's so much thing that I wanted to do but I never took any initiative in doing anything I want, I'm too afraid of failure, I'm too afraid to accept that I'm wrong or I'm not capable. Anything that have low chance of succeed I'm just telling myself it's not going to work without giving a try. Hate myself for being such a coward, but hating myself is not going to change anything!
Feel so ironic, that's how much I know about myself and I'm not making changes to all my weakness. I'm starting to feel my negative emotions are coming back to me, I'm starting to doubt my own capability again, I really need someone who I can always talk my heart to. I have this one close friend that I cherish a lot, but unfortunately she's leaving to Singapore to pursue her career. It's good for her, she finally get what she wanted all along, a job in Singapore, and the man she wanted for very long. Wishing her all the best in her life in Singapore.
I don't know how many girls that I've liked before, it just never seems to work. I'm really fed up with it, am I being too good, am I being too honest, am I being too straight forward, cause what I'm feeling is all my good hearted actions and my honesty is killing myself, everyone is taking advantage on it. So from now on, I will not reveal all my things easily to people around me, I'm being too kind and too easy to explore by others which makes people feel that I'm invaluable because they don't need to do anything for me to tell anything they want to hear. It's hard to be a good person, and being a good and kind person won't get you anywhere in this society, your kindness and honesty will just put you in trouble in the working life and this fucked up life.
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