Busy life

Finally I'm free to update this blog. It's been a really long fortnight I had. Been meeting lots and lots of friends in the past two weeks. Some of them I didn't see them for quite some time, the longest one are around 7 years. I love meeting new peoples as there are different stories and experience to me. One of my senior which is the one that I did not met her for 7 years, she taught me lot of things and guiding me on my pathway for life. I really have to thank her for that cause she noticed that I was too emotional and i was kind of shocked when she reached me and asked me to meet up with her. 

Couldn't really remember which day it is, but it was a meaningful day. She's really independent and potential in her career. After meeting up with her i wonder myself how could a girl be so positive and motivated than me in her career and life. Life is always wonderful, although i know me and you are not going to have a chance to meet or talk anymore, but i really wishing you sincerely from my heart to have a happy and satisfying life. Your life was hard, now you deserve to enjoy and do whatever you want cause all you want is simple and freedom. I knew what i did wrong and it was just me being me, I would like to apologize to you even if you're not reading this anymore. 

I used to let relationship being at the first place in my life. But now i know i couldn't, because I'm never a good lover. I'm not capable in maintaining a relationship yet, I'm just not mature and stable enough. There's so many other things for me to work and improve for my future life, been reading lots and lots of inspirational quotes and short stories. I know I have to let go, the ring you gave me will remind me on things I need to do. I just want to thank you for being there for me, loved me for that moment although it's a short period, I'm really glad to have you and you're the first ex that I never hate or regret having you. Of course I still hope we can be friends, but i know after things I said and done it just makes everything goes impossible. 

Responsibility is getting heavier, I started to feel pressure on my shoulder. Now i see all the politics happening in the working life, everything is a psychology war. Everything is done mentally, not behaviorally. There's much more for me to learn, for me I know things that I've learnt up to date is just so little. Sometimes I still get distracted from work easily and I'm not really disciplined enough. I do really prefer working life over study life, it's much more meaningful and challenging for me. Can't really recall what I did for this two weeks but i only know i met up with all my friends from primary school until university friends. 

Life is hard, live smart, don't live hard.

How are you

Wondering how are you doing now. Didn't hear from you for two days, guess you're really mad at me or you're really keen in forgetting me by now. Reading back all the text, scrolling through all the photos doesn't change anything. I know you might never come back again, we might be like stranger as if we never met each other before. Doesn't really dare to text you, I don't know what to say in the text, everything just goes blank. Miss your laughter miss your voice miss your tight hug. How much I wish we still can have dinner together on every weekdays and lunch on weekends. 

Maybe everything will just fade into memories. I can't really differentiate anymore, my feelings are so complicated and mixed up. Not sure if we should still talk or meet, whatever it is, just want you to be happy. 

Haru Haru (Day by Day)

Leave

Yeah, Finally I realize that I am nothing without you

I was so wrong, forgive me

Ah ah ah ah

My broken heart like a wave

My shaken heart like a wind

My heart vanished like smoke

It can't be removed like a tattoo

I sigh deeply as if a ground is going to cave in

Only dusts are piled up in my mind

(Say goodbye)

Yeah, I thought I wouldn't be able to live even one day without you

But somehow I managed to live on (longer) than I thought

You don't answer anything as I cry out "I miss you"

I hope for a vain expectation but now it's useless

What is it about that person next to you, did he make you cry?

Dear can you even see me, did you forget completely?

I am worried, I feel anxiety because I can't get close nor try to talk to you

I spend long nights by myself, erasing my thoughts a thousand times

[Chorus]

Don't look back and leave

Don't find me again and live (on)

Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories

I can bear it in some way

I can stand in some way

You should be happy if you are like this

I become dull day by day (eh eh eh eh)

Oh girl I cry, cry

You're my all, say goodbye... 

If we pass by each other on the street

Act like you didn't see me and go the way you were walking to

If you keep thinking about our past memories

I might go look for you secretly

Always be happy with him, (so) I won't ever get a different mind

Even smallest regret won't be left out ever

Please live well as if I should feel jealous

You should always be like that bright sky, like that white cloud

Yes, you should always smile like that as if nothing happened

[Chorus]

I hope your heart fees relieved

Please forget about me and live (on)

Those tears will dry completely

As time passes by

It would've hurt less if we didn't meet at all (mm)

Hope you will bury our promise of being together forever baby

I pray for you

[Chorus]

Oh girl I cry, cry

You're my all, say goodbye, bye

Oh my love don't lie, lie

You're my heart, say goodbye

________________________________________________

Guess you're very pissed off with me now. I never have a good ending even after broke up, how much I hope we can stay friends, i never manage to stay friends with my ex after broke up, I'm so bad in ending, why do I have to do something that people will get angry at me. I don't wanna be enemy with anyone, believe it or not I really doesn't mean things I said when I'm angry. I'm still so poor in controlling my anger and those hurtful words.

I never say that I don't wanna be friends with you, hope you can give me a chance to explain myself. Whether you see this or not, I just wanna explain everything. 

From the first week of our date, I already know we won't last long. I didn't remind myself of that, in fact i turn everything around convincing myself that we will be together, cause our first two weeks of outing were really sweet and at that point I really started to think that we will last long. You were right, all the time I'm the one who can't accept the fact and we both know that we can't be together. 

Hurt now is better than sooner, you are right again. I'm just too stubborn to let go, to be more precise, I don't wanna let go. That was before, but now I know I have to let go. You sneaking out is a nightmare for you every time you go home, it become worse whenever he checks on you and whenever he calls when you're with me. I always said I know how you feel, truth is I know, but I still doing things that let you feel the same. I'm really not capable in loving you, i know you're scared i know you're worried but still i ask you out everyday.

Ever since we broke up everyday you're still texting me worried that I'll do something stupid and worried that I can't get over everything. Sometimes I doesn't feel like replying cause chatting with you makes me miss you more. I know everything was real for the 73 days, it's unforgettable for me, you did everything you could, sacrifice every single thing you could just to see me for the 73 days. I was really touched at a few occasion, eg.( find me at garage, rush to see when i accident, went summit to see me play basketball on surprise) And I'm even proud enough to tell my friends that this girl really loves me and she's doing lots of things for me despite the relationship. 

You can cut off everything easily and faster than me because our love for each other is different. You cut it off cause you can't stand the pressure and fear. But I'm different, I always tell you that you can treat me as a friend. It doesn't means that I must love you until the end, is just that I need time to slowly control my feelings for you. I can't let go so easily because I have nothing behind my back to pressure me to stop this relationship, I put in all my heart and energy to our relationship although I know it won't work in the end. I hope you understand, I need time to slow down my feelings cause I love you for real too. As i know you really feel annoyed cause of me talking about feelings every time and every day. I admit it, I'm still childish although I'm thinking I'm mature, I'm not mature at all. 

Whether you're still reading this or not, I just want to tell you that I hope we are still friends. Hopefully the next time we talk or seeing each other I'll be grown up and not this childish little kid anymore. This will be the last post of me describing my feelings for you. It's enough, I know you heard enough of my feelings for you. I doesn't want to annoy you anymore, even I myself feels that I'm doing and saying a lot a lot of unnecessary things. 

I wish you happy in your life wholeheartedly. I just want to thank you for everything within the 73 days. It means a lot to me and this short period makes me know myself better and makes me want to improve myself more. If we really doesn't have to chance to talk or see each other anymore, I can only blame myself on my silly acts. Yes I can't blame you for how we met and what we did on first date, i fall for you too on the first sight. Just that if you still remember me in the future, please do not hesitate to find me. I will be there to support you as a friend. And the ring you gave me, I will keep it very well and wearing it everyday as a reminder for myself to be a better person. You need a break and you need some space to breathe, maybe you already totally lost respect to me as you said, I wouldn't have the courage to text you anymore, I can only wait until the day if you are willing to forgive me and be friends with me again. Wish everything will go smooth in your life, stay happy, stay positive, appreciate the one around you. Thank you for letting me being part of your life.

Day by day, hope your heart feels relieved

New Year Resolution

Since everyone is setting their new year resolution, guess I have to set mine too, I'll just keep it short and simple:

1. Mature of course
2. Eliminate the childish thoughts of mine
3. Focus more on work instead of relationship
4. Don't be too sentimental and emotional
5. Be more positive in seeing everything
6. Solve problems, not avoid
7. Try to quit gaming
8. Improve communication skills
9. Smile more
10. Talk more with my parents

Basically for this year just wanna improve my own attitude and personalities. Relationship thing I shall keep it neutral. Saw one of the quote posted, it's meaningful and true to me. "Let it be (keep it neutral) is just another meaning of I'm not capable in changing anything or do anything about it"

Been chatting lesser than you, you even proposed that we shouldn't chat or meet anymore. To be honest I doesn't know whether we are still meeting each other anymore. I want to see you, but I know it will only make your life harder. You're the director of our story, you write the scripts, you decide the backgrounds, you limit our conversations, I can't do anything about it. I'll just let it happen the way you want it to happen, it's the only way for you to stay happy and live without guilt and afraid that he will find out somethings wrong. Sometimes I'm so dumb, destroyed everything just with some stupid text messages, I will think twice and send each and every text no matter how unhappy i am. I've been missing you a lot, I even wanted to go meet you on the rave party next week, but i know it's not a good move, you won't be happy if I'm there. Even if you're happy someone else is gonna be unhappy. Hope you enjoying your life, I can't believe I'm saying this, but to be honest I hope we have a life of ours, which doesn't seems really possible in any near future, unless miracle happen. 

Anyway, the song you want me to hear today just makes me go more speechless. I really feel sad knowing that we can't be together. I miss you yokorella

Another new year

Worked for half day on 31st of December. Went semenyih after work to celebrate with my uni mates. For some reason I just don't wanna stay home alone cause I know there will be no one asking me out. Last year I'm having some situation similar to now. Seeing everyone hanging out just makes me feel sad, I was alone last year, the feeling of being alone sucks. That's why I won't allow myself to be alone anymore. It will only lead to more negative thoughts when I'm alone.

Simple BBQ dinner to celebrate the new year. It's not necessary to see fireworks or drinking and party in the club. Sometimes I just need a silent night like this, a calm and relaxing countdown. There were so many stars up the sky last night. It was beautiful, wondering if you noticed the stars too. Was happy that you told me you miss me and I can feel it for some reason. Just glad you speak it out.

I'm feeling that you're not so happy after we broke up. From what I see you're feeling even more sorrow and lonely deep inside. But the good thing is I know you weren't that worry and depressed anymore. I'm not sure why are you so eager to want me disappear from your life. You're taking me for granted after each and every time the problem is discussed. You're just trying to trigger my anger and want me to disappear once and for all. Unfortunately, I can't be angry. I doesn't know why, maybe I just understand the situation you're facing. Just tolerating whatever you asked for, I just doesn't understand why you still have to me so mean to me.

From stranger we loved on first sight, on our first date. Then our relationship turn downhill cause it's so hard for you to come out and meet me every time. We agreed to be friends, and now we are friends but you're still asking me to forget you. Each and every time you are asking for more and more, and the request just goes more and more unreasonable. 

Yes you miss me too, I know, that is why you still log in to chat with me everyday and see if I ever text you. I doesn't need anything from you, I just want you to live the way you want. I just want to see you happy. To be honest if you really want me to disappear from your life you doesn't need to chat with me so frequent, I really doesn't have the courage and strength to stop everything. I doesn't know why do I love you so much despite all the things you are trying to do to me and do to us. I'm just going the neutral way to our relationship for now. You want it to be friends then we will be, you want to see me then I will make my time for you, you want to stop seeing me then I won't start annoying you. Just do whatever you like and whatever you want cause I'm never gonna force you to make a new decision. 

You doesn't need to change me, I will change myself. New year new beginning, I know what I need to change. I'm missing you for no reason, I'm loving you for no reason, I never want everything between us to end for no reason. Maybe from what I feel is that we never really broke up, cause we were never really together. 

I miss you, i want to see you, i wanna chat longer with you, but i know these things doesn't help in making us to meet up. Staying sad doesn't makes you leave him and come to me, staying sad doesn't make us go back to the way we was. I never asked how you feel or what are you thinking anymore, cause you will let me know when you want to, you will find me when you really need me to be there. For now I know you doesn't need me yet, but I just doesn't want to lose a person like you.