Am a person that prefers to express my feelings and thoughts through words. This is actually the third blog of mine, been deleting the previous ones due to my bad temper. 2013 is the year that made me grown a lot, it's a changing point of my life. Life is always about learning and failing, through all the hard times, only we can learn something new and grow up
I didn't know it was 3 months ago again till I read my previous post. Well actually I just got time to share my recent story with anyone out there that's interested to read a little bit of story. Firstly, I decided to update this blog today because of what happened last night. I got an unexpected text message while I was on my way out to change water filter for my customer, we had an hour of chat or so, feels good to still chat with her. Didn't know she was still reading my blog all along, I need to thank you for this, I know I'm just one of your friend, maybe your second or third friend that you know. I have to express my gratitude towards you because I never know that I still have good image and impressions in you until last night. I thought I screwed it up all the while and I still think that I'm a really bad person for what I've done when I lost my temper. I kinda agree that it's dangerous for us to meet up again, but I believe I'm one of your close friend that you can have in your life, which is why I think we should meet up and catch up, I might be able to help you. There are so many things I would like to tell you, but I just hope we get to have a drink some day and talk about it. I'm not baiting you out, I'm just sincerely missing you as a long lost friend. Please do ask me out when you're bored, thinking about whether we should meet or not doesn't help. Secondly, I guess i worked really hard for the past 3 months which is why i lost count on when I updated my last post. Everyday seems to be a productive day for me and I'm really enjoying being productive and I get the chance to meet up with lots and lots of old friends. I'm glad that I'm joining a business that enables me to help other people with their dreams, their goals, and even helping myself in gaining confidence and basic knowledge. Met a lot of great people ever since I joined this business, they doesn't only inspired me, they shared their real life experience, their positive energy, their persistence and determination and getting something done to achieve what they want in life! I'm really fortunate to have these people to appear in my life at this young age, it's always sweet to know that people around me are supporting me no matter what, thank you everyone, thank you!
New achievement in February 2015, more to come. One step closer to success
And thank you for taking this picture for me, my business partners chose this as my cover photo without asking me
Well I wish I could update my blog frequently but I'm just not determined enough, maybe because I'm a happier person now :) I think I wouldn't have write this out if it isn't for someone, yes, writing this for someone again. This is gonna be a really long post, we called it "storybook" . I'll separate this into a monthly view from October to December. I can't really recall what happened throughout these months so I'll just write this out by referring to the photos I had from time to time. OCTOBER Started my new job not long ago from end of September, been learning lots of new things for my new job as a property developer. Had my weekly road trip to Kuala Lipis, Pahang started. It was always awesome to travel with my boss as he is young, dedicated and capable. This is the kind of job I'm looking for all the while, easy-going environment, flexible, room for growth, countless challenging tasks and limitless capabilities to be shown. And ultimately communication is always the key, there's no barrier for me to voice out my opinions and thoughts to my boss which is why i feel it's much more easier to work in an environment like this where i can fully make use of the ideas and plans i have in mind.
Schedule for KK league is out, it's a basketball championship for my housing area that is held every year. Honestly i wasn't ready to play for this championship at all as i think I've lost my passion and interest in basketball. Well to summarize this championship, I played pretty bad and I wasn't performing the standard I should've perform. As usual, i disappointed those who have high hopes in me, the feeling sucks but i just can't help myself in being a better player.
One of the week that I have to go to our project site alone. It was a different experience when i get to travel outstation for work alone. I really enjoy long distance drive especially going through the highway with mountains and lots of trees along the road. I'm more a nature oriented person and I do prefer green environments rather than city that is fully developed, traveling to far places like this making me to have a peace of mind. Nice weathers, fresh airs, quiet place, nothing feels better than this when you're full of responsibilities and stress.
Had a relaxing night at Stratosphere, The Roof with both of my dearest BFF. I'm not sure how i did this but the first time i introduced them to each other just makes them feel that they have known each other for decades. Both of these girl had been supporting me a lot when I'm feeling down and depressed. Ching (the one on the left) started to know my story and helped me out since two years ago whereby Kit yee (the one on the right) have witnessed my changes since I'm 13 until now. I'm just glad to have both of them as my best friends as i doesn't believe girls can become a guys best friend until i met both of them. NOVEMBER
Participated in a volunteer event for a Buddhist centre, it was organized by my boss and so I took part in this volunteer event. Brought a friend along for this event as a volunteer. This is the second time I volunteer in an event and sometimes it just gives a different kind of satisfaction to you when you are able to contribute a part of your energy to the people who needs them. Doesn't really matter if they are thankful or not, I felt glad and happy to see everyone working together just to make an event successful, only then i realize teamwork is really important if you want to create something big. Planning skills is much more crucial for things like this and I've learned a lot from this event by taking part and lots of new friends were made throughout the process as well.
I always believe my capability and potential in doing something great. Boss is satisfied with my performance in the company and am always glad to have some words of encouragement to boost up my confidence =) Everyone should be generous in praising and encouraging others because i always believe this will make the world a better place.
Officially joined Amway, a new family for me. Been considering to join this 5 months ago and finally made up my mind. Took me long enough to do valid research and considerations before i join this and it's another milestone that I wanna achieve for my life. I've promised myself I will never disappoint anyone that have high hopes on me anymore, I've disappointed countless people including my dad that spent 13 years of effort in training me up to become a state player in table tennis. So yeah, no more disappointing anyone, I'm not doing these just for other people but also for myself, a better future.
Dad's 58th birthday dinner. It's been awhile I had such a warm dinner with both of my parents. By writing this only then i realize my dad is already near to 60. I need to work really hard now so that I can have more time and money to bring them for a trip for at least once. It is also the first time my dad allow me to treat him this dinner after I worked for 1 year + . Unfortunately both of my parents had food poisoning after this dinner =(
Started my Amway career with a very progressive start. Have to thank you my high school senior - Cindy for providing me a chance to have a close look into this company and building up my career. Nothing is easy, but i'm sure it will worth all my sacrificed rest time and get rewarded in the coming 3 to 5 years time. Looking into the near present will not help, but looking into the future will definitely help =) DECEMBER
1st December - Artistry Men launched and I bought it to start up as my core product business in Amway. I love how the environment is in the centre where everyone is friendly and energetic young peoples. Was briefed to have a short cat-walk session to introduce and welcome the new-launched Artistry Men. It's a fruitful experience where I get to share my feelings after trying the product. I never look back, because I know I'm representing a world renowned product with top quality!
Get to meet up with my kindergarden friend Christine, she's been my childhood bestie since I'm 4 and she'll always be my longest friend that I've met for life. Lots of memories being recalled and also thanks to my uni housemate Stanlee for organizing this short birthday meetup session. The world is really small to have my childhood best friend to meet my uni housemate. More catch up session to be done!
Received my first wedding invitational card from my boss' brother. Well their family members already know me well as I was there to helping out when they are moving their new house. Spent literally two weeks at their new house without doing any work. It's happy though when I feel appreciated after all my hard work and energy contributed.
Started my first facial class and it's harder than what I expected. It's a fun class after all and i felt i can benefit a lot from this class. Why did i say so? It's not because I'm the only guy in this class, it's because I'm never good at noticing the details, facial class requires me to notice the details on customer face and analyze the products they need to enhance their appearance. So yeah, it will definitely help and reminds me to notice the details that happen around me all the time.
Recruited my first business partner on my own. It's always nice to have someone to work with especially it's one of your best friend. Best Christmas present ever, more to come Sam! Welcome to our big family =)
It's a different Christmas after all, I thought I had nowhere to go for this year's Christmas but luckily my high school brother Xue Jun organized this event. More than half of the peoples in this photo are new to me, so do them, but we managed to enjoy and celebrate our Christmas to the fullest. Friends are the strangers that we have met, and strangers are only the friends that we haven't met.
This, is not my girlfriend. Haha I don't know why but I love this picture a lot. She's one of my business partner in Amway. Kind, sweet and lovely girl. Discovered something in her, strong analyzing and observation skills, sort of having my super power, she just nails it every time when I'm trying to hide something. Believe it or not, I doesn't have her phone number and yet we still manage to "celebrate" Christmas together. It's been awhile since I have such a long talk with someone, enjoying my lunch and story my past. Feels good when I can tell someone about myself and having a similar interaction between each other. Not really sure how can I describe her, maybe just with three words, hot and cold. Had a minor accident before picking her up for lunch, was moody on the way to her place, but the Christmas lunch with her definitely neutralized my negative feelings. Anyway the initial plan is to meet her for 12 hours, but plan failed, 6 hours is still good enough to spend my Christmas with her, a different Christmas.
Time flies, it really does. We were celebrating our Christmas at my place last year, this year we made it a belated one due to this year's Christmas falls on a Thursday. This year we're having it in my place again, a little different with last year. We had last minute BBQ plan instead of buying foods or doing a potluck dinner, minimal consume of alcohol compared to last year and this year's Christmas celebration is much more happening comparing to last year. We sang our lungs out from 10PM to 4AM, it's crazy, full of fun and i find it really hard to have time to gather with our friends as we grow up getting busy with our own life. Precious gathering after all, I just hope these gatherings never stop, I love all my friends, they are always awesome, like really awesome! Before ending my 2014
I called my 2013 a life changing point as I stepped into the society from a graduate to a working adult. I call my 2014 a life changing point as well, I've transformed from a working adult into a mature adult. Looking back into my resolutions I've written down for myself one year ago, I'm glad I fulfilled most of it and am still in the midst to constantly develop myself into a better person. Striking through the dreams i need to fulfill just brings me one step closer to success
Mature of course
Eliminate the childish thoughts of mine
Focus more on work instead of relationship
Don't be too sentimental and emotional
Be more positive in seeing everything
Solve problems, not avoid
Try to quit gaming
Improve communication skills
Smile more
Talk more with my parents
Basically fulfilled most of my resolutions except quit gaming, I sometimes still play games though but it's greatly reduced to an extent that I will be able to quit anytime, at least not so addicted and lifeless playing games anymore. Since I've realized the importance of fulfilling dreams/resolutions, I would like to set another 5 major things for me to achieve in 2015.
Able to handle my property job in a tidy and knowledgeable manner
Balance both Amway and property
Achieve 21% for my Amway career in 1 year time
Be initiative and active in making conversations
Be more well-rounded in talking skills, instead of being too honest and straightforward.
2014, a perfect year for me. It might be a disaster year for others such as missing flights, serious flood problems etc. I'm seeing myself as a better person year by year, I believe as long as I keep my mindset and attitude right, I can be, and I will be success in 3 to 5 years time. That's how much confidence I have in myself, I might fall during the process but I will stand up again right away, because I'm a brand new Lee Yong Jun now.
Appreciate all my great friends and parents that given me support throughout this year, when everyone tells me that :" All the best Jun, you can do it!" , I believe in you guys and I believe in myself, will not disappoint anyone anymore, I'll prove to all of you I can do it! =)
Literally spent two days in writing this out, see you guys next year, every year will be a better year.
It was a relaxing day, didn't really felt like working today.
Woke up in the morning with chilling mode, had my breakfast at McDonalds as usual. Enjoyed my Sausage Mc Muffin with egg, a cup of hot coffee and head to Putrajaya to submit some documents.
Headed back to office and it' already near to 12pm. Rested for awhile, had my lunch and head to TNB at Bangsar to submit other documents. Honestly, all my perception towards my nation people had slightly changed. By travelling to different places and talking with different peoples, there are actually lots of helpful and kind people regardless of race.
Done with my task with the day by travelling to these places. It was 4:30PM, heavy rain with heavy traffics and I got approval from my superior I can call off my day without heading back to office. Sat in my car for awhile and wondering should I find her since I'm just 5 minutes away from her workplace. My heart asked me to give her a call, well she's okay to meet with me again. I think we are seeing each other for 4 days within a week time. Wandering around in the mall for 2 hours and thought of lots of things, I'm always pressuring myself too much...
Maybe it's a wrong decision to find her today, all my bad habits resurfaced bit by bit. It was painful to see myself doing what I did again as I thought I've already get rid of these bad habits. Can't control my anger, we argued over something we shouldn't talk about. It's the day you make your counselling over me, criticize me like how I used to do to you everyday. I doesn't like the atmosphere, it was so intense, so harsh, I can't breathe. You read my heart like how I read yours, I'm not sure if we really know each other well or it's just we both have the ability to.
Just felt that I'm still not mature in relationship, anger and jealousy took control over me. Am always loving someone at a wrong timing but it always happened to be when I love it real and deep. You said : " Thank you for loving me, now only I felt what love really should be like, this kinda love is big love which very less people can really do it. " Spending all the heart to heart talk moments with you in the car is really memorable, it's quiet, peaceful and intense at the same time, so much mixed feelings surrounding us. There were moments that we wanted to hug each other but we know we can't, it was so tempting but still we managed to press ourselves down.
It's good you have some new friends, and I think sooner or later these new friends will try and help him to get you. Don't get me wrong, am not worried or jealous, just that I feel like it will happen. I can't look into your eyes like how you look at me, I'm defeated, you felt weak, I felt myself even weaker when I'm with you. Everything just happens too fast, I can't react to the situation, I didn't know it could be so real, I didn't know it will be so complicated, but I sincerely hope this relationship will work....
If I always started at the wrong timing, I hope it will end at the right timing... Just for once
It's been another 4 months again. But this time is a little different. I'm writing this at 4AM. Can't really get into sleep. I'm bothered by lovey-dovey related things again, hate the feeling of jealousy, and it sucks when I'm jealous on my own friend.
Anyway, doesn't really wanna talk about it. So now I'm into a new job, a job that I never thought that I will be in. Guess it's fate, or maybe I'm just too lazy to find for other job. Not sure if I'm on the right path, cause this job is gonna take my time for at least 3 years to get used to everything. Graduated in psychology & management degree, but ended up working as a property developer, it's not even connected at all. Every friends of mine asked the same question, why are you in this field? Why is your salary so little yet you still wanna work for it? For me salary isn't a big deal to me, as long as I'm still able to cover up my basic expenses and survive, getting the entry level salary is sad of course, but I have to bear with it in order to get what I want, it doesn't matter how much things I'm gonna do for my employer, it doesn't matter how much time I have to spent on my work. Just because I'm doing everything in this company from A to Z, it's the best opportunity for me to learn everything, to understand everything in detail.
"The smaller the thing is, the more you should pay attention for" , this is how great people achieve what others cannot achieve, be cautious of the details and know everything that's running throughout the process. I'm still lazy , stuck up with the games that I've been playing for 10 years, I'm trying to get rid of it, it's hard, but I know my future will be ruined if I keep playing it. I can give out awesome advice that everyone wonders how can this young man give such wise advice, but actually I'm that kind of person that only talks more than doing and proving it. I'm just never good in executing something. There's so much thing that I wanted to do but I never took any initiative in doing anything I want, I'm too afraid of failure, I'm too afraid to accept that I'm wrong or I'm not capable. Anything that have low chance of succeed I'm just telling myself it's not going to work without giving a try. Hate myself for being such a coward, but hating myself is not going to change anything!
Feel so ironic, that's how much I know about myself and I'm not making changes to all my weakness. I'm starting to feel my negative emotions are coming back to me, I'm starting to doubt my own capability again, I really need someone who I can always talk my heart to. I have this one close friend that I cherish a lot, but unfortunately she's leaving to Singapore to pursue her career. It's good for her, she finally get what she wanted all along, a job in Singapore, and the man she wanted for very long. Wishing her all the best in her life in Singapore.
I don't know how many girls that I've liked before, it just never seems to work. I'm really fed up with it, am I being too good, am I being too honest, am I being too straight forward, cause what I'm feeling is all my good hearted actions and my honesty is killing myself, everyone is taking advantage on it. So from now on, I will not reveal all my things easily to people around me, I'm being too kind and too easy to explore by others which makes people feel that I'm invaluable because they don't need to do anything for me to tell anything they want to hear. It's hard to be a good person, and being a good and kind person won't get you anywhere in this society, your kindness and honesty will just put you in trouble in the working life and this fucked up life.
Wow, Didn't know it was 3 months since I updated my blog. Well everyone says working life time will pass really fast, it's true. Been busy working alone ever since my supervisor resigned. Working life is tough as hell, but sometimes I feels like working do really need some passion and motivation, which I'm lacking on. Lots of changes have been made within the company, lots of decisions I've made for myself as well, at least my life wasn't so miserable compared to how I was. I feel really glad that I've changed to a much more better person by now. Friends doesn't tease me as the emo guy any more, they feel glad too with the changes that I've made to myself. Human is just the type of thing that we need to grow day by day. Being better and better Seems like love life is always the thing that is fated to me. A new colleague started working with me, she is pretty, intelligent, dedicated and potential. I'm not sure how can I describe her, she's just the type of girl that every guy will fall for her, she's way too charming. And the sad thing is I can't differentiate the feeling of love or like any more. It seems like I like her because she's beautiful? Or I'm liking her because she's a really intelligent girl that I'm looking for. I'm not sure about it, everyone that knows her appearance encourage me to approach her, I wanted to, just that I don't know how. I'm never good at initiating a conversation and maintaining the flow. Still not sure what's my feeling to her, some say I already started to like her, some just ask me to go for it cause I'm too damn lucky to have her as my colleague. Can't deny I admire her deep inside my heart, she helped me solve out the problem I'm facing for 8 months in my company the moment she joined the company for only two days. I don't know what motivated her to help me out in my problem with the management, but she just helped me out and I feel really thankful. Yet again she's elder than me and just because she's mature and it led me to think that she might not be interested in me. Maybe it's just some sort of excuse for myself since I don't really dare to start anything. I don't know, I'm still confused between the feeling of love, like or lonely. Other than that, life starting to makes sense to me. Have some own way to generate more income which I don't give a damn about it in the past. But yeah, everything is improving, will be better from time to time. So I guess that's it, nothing really much about my life for now as I don't brag about how sad I'm feeling any more. Just wish me luck? Will update again when I'm free, cheers
Didn't realize that the last update was one month ago, time flies. Just a short post, wishing someone happy birthday here sincerely. Can't deny that i still miss you sometimes. Hope you enjoy your 25th birthday. Cheers~
Finally I'm free to update this blog. It's been a really long fortnight I had. Been meeting lots and lots of friends in the past two weeks. Some of them I didn't see them for quite some time, the longest one are around 7 years. I love meeting new peoples as there are different stories and experience to me. One of my senior which is the one that I did not met her for 7 years, she taught me lot of things and guiding me on my pathway for life. I really have to thank her for that cause she noticed that I was too emotional and i was kind of shocked when she reached me and asked me to meet up with her. Couldn't really remember which day it is, but it was a meaningful day. She's really independent and potential in her career. After meeting up with her i wonder myself how could a girl be so positive and motivated than me in her career and life. Life is always wonderful, although i know me and you are not going to have a chance to meet or talk anymore, but i really wishing you sincerely from my heart to have a happy and satisfying life. Your life was hard, now you deserve to enjoy and do whatever you want cause all you want is simple and freedom. I knew what i did wrong and it was just me being me, I would like to apologize to you even if you're not reading this anymore. I used to let relationship being at the first place in my life. But now i know i couldn't, because I'm never a good lover. I'm not capable in maintaining a relationship yet, I'm just not mature and stable enough. There's so many other things for me to work and improve for my future life, been reading lots and lots of inspirational quotes and short stories. I know I have to let go, the ring you gave me will remind me on things I need to do. I just want to thank you for being there for me, loved me for that moment although it's a short period, I'm really glad to have you and you're the first ex that I never hate or regret having you. Of course I still hope we can be friends, but i know after things I said and done it just makes everything goes impossible. Responsibility is getting heavier, I started to feel pressure on my shoulder. Now i see all the politics happening in the working life, everything is a psychology war. Everything is done mentally, not behaviorally. There's much more for me to learn, for me I know things that I've learnt up to date is just so little. Sometimes I still get distracted from work easily and I'm not really disciplined enough. I do really prefer working life over study life, it's much more meaningful and challenging for me. Can't really recall what I did for this two weeks but i only know i met up with all my friends from primary school until university friends. Life is hard, live smart, don't live hard.
Wondering how are you doing now. Didn't hear from you for two days, guess you're really mad at me or you're really keen in forgetting me by now. Reading back all the text, scrolling through all the photos doesn't change anything. I know you might never come back again, we might be like stranger as if we never met each other before. Doesn't really dare to text you, I don't know what to say in the text, everything just goes blank. Miss your laughter miss your voice miss your tight hug. How much I wish we still can have dinner together on every weekdays and lunch on weekends.
Maybe everything will just fade into memories. I can't really differentiate anymore, my feelings are so complicated and mixed up. Not sure if we should still talk or meet, whatever it is, just want you to be happy.
Yeah, Finally I realize that I am nothing without you
I was so wrong, forgive me
Ah ah ah ah
My broken heart like a wave
My shaken heart like a wind
My heart vanished like smoke
It can't be removed like a tattoo
I sigh deeply as if a ground is going to cave in
Only dusts are piled up in my mind
(Say goodbye)
Yeah, I thought I wouldn't be able to live even one day without you
But somehow I managed to live on (longer) than I thought
You don't answer anything as I cry out "I miss you"
I hope for a vain expectation but now it's useless
What is it about that person next to you, did he make you cry?
Dear can you even see me, did you forget completely?
I am worried, I feel anxiety because I can't get close nor try to talk to you
I spend long nights by myself, erasing my thoughts a thousand times
[Chorus]
Don't look back and leave
Don't find me again and live (on)
Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this
I become dull day by day (eh eh eh eh)
Oh girl I cry, cry
You're my all, say goodbye...
If we pass by each other on the street
Act like you didn't see me and go the way you were walking to
If you keep thinking about our past memories
I might go look for you secretly
Always be happy with him, (so) I won't ever get a different mind
Even smallest regret won't be left out ever
Please live well as if I should feel jealous
You should always be like that bright sky, like that white cloud
Yes, you should always smile like that as if nothing happened
[Chorus]
I hope your heart fees relieved
Please forget about me and live (on)
Those tears will dry completely
As time passes by
It would've hurt less if we didn't meet at all (mm)
Hope you will bury our promise of being together forever baby
I pray for you
[Chorus]
Oh girl I cry, cry
You're my all, say goodbye, bye
Oh my love don't lie, lie
You're my heart, say goodbye
________________________________________________
Guess you're very pissed off with me now. I never have a good ending even after broke up, how much I hope we can stay friends, i never manage to stay friends with my ex after broke up, I'm so bad in ending, why do I have to do something that people will get angry at me. I don't wanna be enemy with anyone, believe it or not I really doesn't mean things I said when I'm angry. I'm still so poor in controlling my anger and those hurtful words.
I never say that I don't wanna be friends with you, hope you can give me a chance to explain myself. Whether you see this or not, I just wanna explain everything.
From the first week of our date, I already know we won't last long. I didn't remind myself of that, in fact i turn everything around convincing myself that we will be together, cause our first two weeks of outing were really sweet and at that point I really started to think that we will last long. You were right, all the time I'm the one who can't accept the fact and we both know that we can't be together.
Hurt now is better than sooner, you are right again. I'm just too stubborn to let go, to be more precise, I don't wanna let go. That was before, but now I know I have to let go. You sneaking out is a nightmare for you every time you go home, it become worse whenever he checks on you and whenever he calls when you're with me. I always said I know how you feel, truth is I know, but I still doing things that let you feel the same. I'm really not capable in loving you, i know you're scared i know you're worried but still i ask you out everyday.
Ever since we broke up everyday you're still texting me worried that I'll do something stupid and worried that I can't get over everything. Sometimes I doesn't feel like replying cause chatting with you makes me miss you more. I know everything was real for the 73 days, it's unforgettable for me, you did everything you could, sacrifice every single thing you could just to see me for the 73 days. I was really touched at a few occasion, eg.( find me at garage, rush to see when i accident, went summit to see me play basketball on surprise) And I'm even proud enough to tell my friends that this girl really loves me and she's doing lots of things for me despite the relationship.
You can cut off everything easily and faster than me because our love for each other is different. You cut it off cause you can't stand the pressure and fear. But I'm different, I always tell you that you can treat me as a friend. It doesn't means that I must love you until the end, is just that I need time to slowly control my feelings for you. I can't let go so easily because I have nothing behind my back to pressure me to stop this relationship, I put in all my heart and energy to our relationship although I know it won't work in the end. I hope you understand, I need time to slow down my feelings cause I love you for real too. As i know you really feel annoyed cause of me talking about feelings every time and every day. I admit it, I'm still childish although I'm thinking I'm mature, I'm not mature at all.
Whether you're still reading this or not, I just want to tell you that I hope we are still friends. Hopefully the next time we talk or seeing each other I'll be grown up and not this childish little kid anymore. This will be the last post of me describing my feelings for you. It's enough, I know you heard enough of my feelings for you. I doesn't want to annoy you anymore, even I myself feels that I'm doing and saying a lot a lot of unnecessary things.
I wish you happy in your life wholeheartedly. I just want to thank you for everything within the 73 days. It means a lot to me and this short period makes me know myself better and makes me want to improve myself more. If we really doesn't have to chance to talk or see each other anymore, I can only blame myself on my silly acts. Yes I can't blame you for how we met and what we did on first date, i fall for you too on the first sight. Just that if you still remember me in the future, please do not hesitate to find me. I will be there to support you as a friend. And the ring you gave me, I will keep it very well and wearing it everyday as a reminder for myself to be a better person. You need a break and you need some space to breathe, maybe you already totally lost respect to me as you said, I wouldn't have the courage to text you anymore, I can only wait until the day if you are willing to forgive me and be friends with me again. Wish everything will go smooth in your life, stay happy, stay positive, appreciate the one around you. Thank you for letting me being part of your life.
Since everyone is setting their new year resolution, guess I have to set mine too, I'll just keep it short and simple:
Mature of course
Eliminate the childish thoughts of mine
Focus more on work instead of relationship
Don't be too sentimental and emotional
Be more positive in seeing everything
Solve problems, not avoid
Try to quit gaming
Improve communication skills
Smile more
Talk more with my parents
Basically for this year just wanna improve my own attitude and personalities. Relationship thing I shall keep it neutral. Saw one of the quote posted, it's meaningful and true to me. "Let it be (keep it neutral) is just another meaning of I'm not capable in changing anything or do anything about it"
Been chatting lesser than you, you even proposed that we shouldn't chat or meet anymore. To be honest I doesn't know whether we are still meeting each other anymore. I want to see you, but I know it will only make your life harder. You're the director of our story, you write the scripts, you decide the backgrounds, you limit our conversations, I can't do anything about it. I'll just let it happen the way you want it to happen, it's the only way for you to stay happy and live without guilt and afraid that he will find out somethings wrong. Sometimes I'm so dumb, destroyed everything just with some stupid text messages, I will think twice and send each and every text no matter how unhappy i am. I've been missing you a lot, I even wanted to go meet you on the rave party next week, but i know it's not a good move, you won't be happy if I'm there. Even if you're happy someone else is gonna be unhappy. Hope you enjoying your life, I can't believe I'm saying this, but to be honest I hope we have a life of ours, which doesn't seems really possible in any near future, unless miracle happen.
Anyway, the song you want me to hear today just makes me go more speechless. I really feel sad knowing that we can't be together. I miss you yokorella
Worked for half day on 31st of December. Went semenyih after work to celebrate with my uni mates. For some reason I just don't wanna stay home alone cause I know there will be no one asking me out. Last year I'm having some situation similar to now. Seeing everyone hanging out just makes me feel sad, I was alone last year, the feeling of being alone sucks. That's why I won't allow myself to be alone anymore. It will only lead to more negative thoughts when I'm alone. Simple BBQ dinner to celebrate the new year. It's not necessary to see fireworks or drinking and party in the club. Sometimes I just need a silent night like this, a calm and relaxing countdown. There were so many stars up the sky last night. It was beautiful, wondering if you noticed the stars too. Was happy that you told me you miss me and I can feel it for some reason. Just glad you speak it out. I'm feeling that you're not so happy after we broke up. From what I see you're feeling even more sorrow and lonely deep inside. But the good thing is I know you weren't that worry and depressed anymore. I'm not sure why are you so eager to want me disappear from your life. You're taking me for granted after each and every time the problem is discussed. You're just trying to trigger my anger and want me to disappear once and for all. Unfortunately, I can't be angry. I doesn't know why, maybe I just understand the situation you're facing. Just tolerating whatever you asked for, I just doesn't understand why you still have to me so mean to me. From stranger we loved on first sight, on our first date. Then our relationship turn downhill cause it's so hard for you to come out and meet me every time. We agreed to be friends, and now we are friends but you're still asking me to forget you. Each and every time you are asking for more and more, and the request just goes more and more unreasonable. Yes you miss me too, I know, that is why you still log in to chat with me everyday and see if I ever text you. I doesn't need anything from you, I just want you to live the way you want. I just want to see you happy. To be honest if you really want me to disappear from your life you doesn't need to chat with me so frequent, I really doesn't have the courage and strength to stop everything. I doesn't know why do I love you so much despite all the things you are trying to do to me and do to us. I'm just going the neutral way to our relationship for now. You want it to be friends then we will be, you want to see me then I will make my time for you, you want to stop seeing me then I won't start annoying you. Just do whatever you like and whatever you want cause I'm never gonna force you to make a new decision. You doesn't need to change me, I will change myself. New year new beginning, I know what I need to change. I'm missing you for no reason, I'm loving you for no reason, I never want everything between us to end for no reason. Maybe from what I feel is that we never really broke up, cause we were never really together. I miss you, i want to see you, i wanna chat longer with you, but i know these things doesn't help in making us to meet up. Staying sad doesn't makes you leave him and come to me, staying sad doesn't make us go back to the way we was. I never asked how you feel or what are you thinking anymore, cause you will let me know when you want to, you will find me when you really need me to be there. For now I know you doesn't need me yet, but I just doesn't want to lose a person like you.
Been thinking over and over again for these few days. What is love? For me it's a feeling and emotion to someone and i care about everything that's happening to her. Doesn't really text you a lot, actually i have so much to tell, but i guess you're not interested in knowing it anymore. Maybe you're interested, in the other hand i feel it's unnecessary to tell since you doesn't care anymore Wanted to give you back the ring so that you could give it to someone much more important than me, but you refused and i know you will throw it away if I give it back to you. Actually everything that happened now I've already knew this day will come, I just didn't expect it came so fast. Am I sad? I myself don't even know, sometimes I just go numb whenever i think about you. But i know I'm not happy for sure, I wonder how long does it take for you to make this decision, how much have you went through to be so insisting in stopping everything. I don't hate you at all, I'm just amazed and admire your courage in cutting off everything. To be honest that's the best solution for you, for you to live normally and without stress. I think that's what I want for you as well, but it's hurtful when every sweet things goes into nothing between us. What else can I do, I can only wish you happier in your future life. Maybe we're really not meant to be together, or can i say that you doesn't love me that much. If one day you found I'm not around and you miss me, if you left him just to come to me, I can be sure that you love me a lot. Can't survive without him seems like an excuse for me, it all depends on you. But I don't blame you, you're used to this life for so long. That's why we ended this early, we both scared that we will get addicted to each other. Should i thank you for ending everything. Maybe i think i should thank you for ending it early. Cause I will never have to courage to request breakup. Can't imagine how depressed i will get if we breakup later on. Scrolling through our pictures just make me smile, we were so sweet but everything just seems to be a memory. Two and a half month, so many things happened. Anyway, I just hope we can still talk and meet from time to time. I never managed to be friends with my ex, I hope you could still be mine, I just doesn't wanna lose anyone from my life anymore. It's always tired to say goodbye, and it's always a regret to lost contact with someone I loved. Maybe I'll continue loving you and missing you from my heart, maybe I'm waiting for miracle? These too shall pass? I'm not really sure, I only know that I will not allow myself fall into love so deep anymore, it hurts, it really hurts. No one knows about the future, all i can do is wishing you the best in your life and your future. At least we had really sweet memories being together. I decided not to involve myself into your life anymore, so don't be shocked if I doesn't text you anymore. To be honest I'm still loving you and I still having that little hope that we will get together, just that now is not the right time for us to have feelings for each other. I just doesn't want you to think about me so often like how you used to, it will only make you suffer. But I'll be there for sure when you need me, I promise. I'm not being cold, I just want the best for you. Just find me when you're not happy, enjoy the time when you're happy, I will be happy once you're satisfied and happy with your life. Neutrally waiting for the miracle day to come, I love you.
Can't believe everything just ends so fast. I thought we need time, but seems like there's not any chances anymore.
Cried for so long
Heartache, it really hurts
I don't know what else i can say
What else i can do
I have no choice
I've been force to accept the fact
I just feel so.......
You afraid to let me know you're happy last night cause you will feel bad You said you felt so bad last night and you don't want me to be sad You want me not to emo You want me to promise you to live happily with my life You want me to have someone in my life that appreciate me You want me to forget you You want me not to talk about feelings You want me to treat you as a friend You will text me and like it or not I can choose to reply or not I know you're happy last night, you doesn't need to feel bad, you're always happy hanging out with her I'm not really sad last night, I just wish you will come last night, I know you can, just that you doesn't want to. If you came you wouldn't feel bad Don't make me emo by telling things I don't wanna hear then You're part of my life, how can i promise you anything when I'm not really happy with my life Can you be the someone in my life that appreciate me? I can only forget you when you mean nothing to me, but you mean so much to me Human, it's all about actions and feelings I made myself very clear, you can treat me as your friend, but i won't suppress my feelings and love for you. I didn't force you to love me, so please don't force me not to love you As i know i never did something like lazy to reply you or never reply you. I just take one minute longer to send you back the things that you told me So how do you feel when you're reading back all the things you've told me You said you hate me, you said you doesn't love me You're really not good in lying, you doesn't have to lie to me, and you doesn't need to lie to yourself.
I'm not going to write a lot today, you had more than enough things to read and think for today. Deleting a person from your mind isn't easy as deleting the messages and photos. I never force you on anything, you can live your life happily, you doesn't need to force me to stop loving you, cause I won't give up. You want me to be mature and strong, that's what I'm trying to do. I feel sad last night because opportunities are really limited, just wish you could appreciate more and doesn't regret. You feel bad last night, cause you could've come, but you didn't. I never blame you or anything, I already expect you won't come, but hopes are still hopes. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
Today I'm not working, went early to office just to have Christmas party. Reach office around 8.30AM. Sitting in the office don't know waiting for who and what. The party only started at 12.30PM. That 4 hours I'm just waiting you to wake up and tell me about today's plan. Was really happy to know that you can come out around 2PM and i can't wait to leave the office party and come see you. Maybe the jam and parking problem made you feel frustrated and killing your mood for the day. Wanna call you so that i could talk easier to you, but then only i realized you had blocked me for phone call, so do whatsapp. I understand your purpose of doing these, i don't blame you, I've been too obsessed in anxious in waiting your reply. It's good that you blocked me in whatsapp so that i can comfort myself that you will text me when you're busy. Met you at 4PM, I didn't tell you that you're so beautiful today, cause the moment I'm going down the elevator I can notice that you're in a bad mood. As soon as we start talking, we argued again. Can't really remember or should I say I don't wanna remember what we argued. But there's only three things we can argue for all the time, it's either him, her, or me. For him, I can't say anything cause it's out of our control. For her, I can't say anything too cause she's your BFF, and no point argue about her things. For me, it's always me who make things worse and complicated. But I believe we are trying our best to make everything as simple as possible between us. We are in the tense situation from 4PM until 6PM. We talked and discussed on a lot of things. Honestly I feel sad when I know you doesn't want to think about me anymore, but it's for your own good, for you to have a happier life. I can't do anything but just to accept everything that you are restricting between us. There's a wall that I can't climb over right now, the wall is like fully installed with electric wires. It's either I feel the pain or you feel the pain. Whoever that tries to reach the other will feel the shock and pain. I understand, you've been trying to reach me so many times but you're being more depressed and suffer every time you try to reach me, that's why you wanna stop everything now before the pain kills you. Mentioning that we are friends doesn't really help, the feelings always exist. Just that there are things that we shouldn't do to prevent everything goes deeper. I understand, but as both of us know, sometimes the decision is impossible to make because either Yes or No will not make things better. I'm not really sure why, but our fights always end and calmed down whenever we're in the car. Nothing much we're telling each other, but it just naturally slows down when we're sitting quietly in the car. Maybe saying goodbye is really hard for us, and we appreciate each other more whenever it's time to say goodbye. Nothing matters when i got to hug you so tight in my arms, you doesn't want me to be sad, I doesn't want you to feel sad too. But for us, one of us will always feel sad no matter what happened. I just hope that one day we will have the same feeling on the same thing we're trying to do for each other. You asked me where I wanna bring you, there's no where I want to bring you. I just want to count down with you, forget about all the unhappy things, holding your hands look into the sky, see how beautiful the fireworks are, that's what I planned to do for today. But too bad I doesn't have the chance to do this today. So I hope on the 31st night we'll get to do this. Just me and you. Actually there are a lot of things that I want but I'm not telling you because I know you won't really agree with that. For example, I hope that I'm the last one you meet before you go home every time we meet, it seems simple to anyone but I know it's the hardest thing for you. I know the reason why you always finding her after meeting me, but I only can say that I'm glad that we still can meet each other, I can't ask for more, it's good enough for me, I can't be greedy. Maybe staying friends is what you really want, it's logic and reasonable for you. You can treat me as your friend. To be honest, I can't lie to myself, I have the love feeling for you, no matter how friend we are trying to be I still know that I love you. I won't lie to myself, i won't suppress myself from loving you, as long as i know what I'm doing doesn't affect your life.
For now I only have a quote for myself : "Maybe staying friends is the best way to stay in love, forever" I love you, more than anyone could ever imagine, even myself. Two months of us knowing each other seems to be like two years for me. The feeling was so deep, so real, so strong. Enjoy your Christmas, hope I can be with you on 31st, I want to be the last person you meet before you go home, I want to see the fireworks with you, I want to enjoy every beautiful moment with you, I want you to be happy, there's too many things I want that I can't wait to complete all of them. Once again, I love you. It's 2AM now, maybe I'm just waiting for your text. But I guess you're enjoying your drink or dance now. Wish you allow me to go, but I know you won't cause whenever I appear it will only cause more conflict for you. Maybe me and her will hardly have the chance to appear in the same outing with you anymore. Have fun, goodnight my dear. Thanks for spending every moment that you're available for me. I'm really happy to see you every time no matter where or what we did. Looking forward for our next date
Been chatting with you lesser now. Not really sure whether it's a good thing or bad thing. The only thing i can observe is that you're happier than before. Maybe it's really the best solution for us, feelings still exist, i still wanna see you so badly. I understand you have lots of things to think as a lot of things are going to happen and coming to you. I can't annoy you anymore, you just need everything between us to happen peacefully. I miss you, doesn't know how many times i need to repeat it, just hope to see you soon. You have him, just realized how tiny I am when I'm putting myself between both of you. Two months vs Five years. There's nothing i can compete, maybe the only advantage i have is young, hahaha. Glad this blog made you smile, just drop by here and read more of my daily life whenever you're free. This will be my story book for as long as possible. Came out with another thought of mine, if i can't provide to you what you want, why destroying and trying to take away what you have? I was so selfish, wanna make you mine just because I love you so much, but making you suffer isn't love at all. Few more days to christmas and new year, wish to celebrate these important days with you. Hope we can meet on 24th ,25th and 31st. It would be really great to have you by my side on these days. Time flies, here goes my 21 years old. Seeing myself to be a better person compared to last year. Managed to complete most of the goals i set for myself during last year. For now, i just need to be better in managing my emotions. Not sure how our life is gonna be, but the pinky promise, I will never forget, hope you doesn't forget it too =) Find me when you can meet me ya! I MISS YOU YOKORELLA
Did something really stupid and bad last night hanging out with her. I just screwed up everything right before we say goodbye. Was jealous on her BFF which pissed her off, she was right, i was childish enough, thinking that I'm mature but actually I'm not at all. Tried so hard to reach her since morning, felt really sorrow and anxious since last night after I walked away. It's really a bad move to just walk away like that, but what done is done, I only can blame myself on it. Been missing her so much and I wanna see her really badly, but too bad there's always some restriction which makes us can't see each other whenever we want to. Having a drink with her last night, the conversations were so peaceful. I smiled quite often throughout the conversation, I'm not happy actually, I just need to be strong and smile and convince myself that everything is alright, there's no big deal if we gonna stay friends. After two months, we had come to a conclusion not to differentiate the relationship between us. It might be the best way for us to still loving each other deep inside our heart. I don't know how she feel, but I will love her as long as I can. The pinky promise we made, it's so sweet, but no one knows whether it will work out or not. I just hope things will happen with what we promised each other. Come to me, we can be together after you left him and if I'm still single. I really want it to happen so badly, cause I enjoy every moment she trying to reach me in my arms. You know bii, I really love to hug you in my arms and i like it when you're constantly touching my hands and put my arm on your shoulder whenever i doesn't do it. =) Hugging you is the best feeling i ever had, felt really warm and sweet hugging you. Being so close with you is the best thing ever. But yeah just have to slap myself for being such stupid and can't even control my simple emotions. Getting angry on things that i shouldn't angry on, thinking on things that doesn't happen, jealous on the person i shouldn't be jealous on. Anyway, just glad with what you told me in our text just now, it really made me smile :) I can't wait to see you my darling~ wanna hug you so tight and tell you that i won't be so childish anymore. I love you Yokorella, things are getting harder, and i will strive harder, i will remember every advice you gave, i will focus on my work and try to be more mature in my attitude and behaviours. Good night, sorry for every evil thing i did, that's my dark side. You will never see it anymore, I promise.
