Always the wrong timing

It was a relaxing day, didn't really felt like working today.
Woke up in the morning with chilling mode, had my breakfast at McDonalds as usual. Enjoyed my Sausage Mc Muffin with egg, a cup of hot coffee and head to Putrajaya to submit some documents.
Headed back to office and it' already near to 12pm. Rested for awhile, had my lunch and head to TNB at Bangsar to submit other documents. Honestly, all my perception towards my nation people had slightly changed. By travelling to different places and talking with different peoples, there are actually lots of helpful and kind people regardless of race.

Done with my task with the day by travelling to these places. It was 4:30PM, heavy rain with heavy traffics and I got approval from my superior I can call off my day without heading back to office. Sat in my car for awhile and wondering should I find her since I'm just 5 minutes away from her workplace. My heart asked me to give her a call, well she's okay to meet with me again. I think we are seeing each other for 4 days within a week time. Wandering around in the mall for 2 hours and thought of lots of things, I'm always pressuring myself too much...

Maybe it's a wrong decision to find her today, all my bad habits resurfaced bit by bit. It was painful to see myself doing what I did again as I thought I've already get rid of these bad habits. Can't control my anger, we argued over something we shouldn't talk about. It's the day you make your counselling over me, criticize me like how I used to do to you everyday. I doesn't like the atmosphere, it was so intense, so harsh, I can't breathe. You read my heart like how I read yours, I'm not sure if we really know each other well or it's just we both have the ability to.

Just felt that I'm still not mature in relationship, anger and jealousy took control over me. Am always loving someone at a wrong timing but it always happened to be when I love it real and deep. You said : " Thank you for loving me, now only I felt what love really should be like, this kinda love is big love which very less people can really do it. " Spending all the heart to heart talk moments with you in the car is really memorable, it's quiet, peaceful and intense at the same time, so much mixed feelings surrounding us. There were moments that we wanted to hug each other but we know we can't, it was so tempting but still we managed to press ourselves down.

It's good you have some new friends, and I think sooner or later these new friends will try and help him to get you. Don't get me wrong, am not worried or jealous, just that I feel like it will happen. I can't look into your eyes like how you look at me, I'm defeated, you felt weak, I felt myself even weaker when I'm with you. Everything just happens too fast, I can't react to the situation, I didn't know it could be so real, I didn't know it will be so complicated, but I sincerely hope this relationship will work....

If I always started at the wrong timing, I hope it will end at the right timing... Just for once

Another new life

It's been another 4 months again. But this time is a little different. I'm writing this at 4AM. Can't really get into sleep. I'm bothered by lovey-dovey related things again, hate the feeling of jealousy, and it sucks when I'm jealous on my own friend.

Anyway, doesn't really wanna talk about it. So now I'm into a new job, a job that I never thought that I will be in. Guess it's fate, or maybe I'm just too lazy to find for other job. Not sure if I'm on the right path, cause this job is gonna take my time for at least 3 years to get used to everything. Graduated in psychology & management degree, but ended up working as a property developer, it's not even connected at all. Every friends of mine asked the same question, why are you in this field? Why is your salary so little yet you still wanna work for it? For me salary isn't a big deal to me, as long as I'm still able to cover up my basic expenses and survive, getting the entry level salary is sad of course, but I have to bear with it in order to get what I want, it doesn't matter how much things I'm gonna do for my employer, it doesn't matter how much time I have to spent on my work. Just because I'm doing everything in this company from A to Z, it's the best opportunity for me to learn everything, to understand everything in detail.


"The smaller the thing is, the more you should pay attention for" , this is how great people achieve what others cannot achieve, be cautious of the details and know everything that's running throughout the process. I'm still lazy , stuck up with the games that I've been playing for 10 years, I'm trying to get rid of it, it's hard, but I know my future will be ruined if I keep playing it. I can give out awesome advice that everyone wonders how can this young man give such wise advice, but actually I'm that kind of person that only talks more than doing and proving it. I'm just never good in executing something. There's so much thing that I wanted to do but I never took any initiative in doing anything I want, I'm too afraid of failure, I'm too afraid to accept that I'm wrong or I'm not capable. Anything that have low chance of succeed I'm just telling myself it's not going to work without giving a try. Hate myself for being such a coward, but hating myself is not going to change anything!

Feel so ironic, that's how much I know about myself and I'm not making changes to all my weakness. I'm starting to feel my negative emotions are coming back to me, I'm starting to doubt my own capability again, I really need someone who I can always talk my heart to. I have this one close friend that I cherish a lot, but unfortunately she's leaving to Singapore to pursue her career. It's good for her, she finally get what she wanted all along, a job in Singapore, and the man she wanted for very long. Wishing her all the best in her life in Singapore.

I don't know how many girls that I've liked before, it just never seems to work. I'm really fed up with it, am I being too good, am I being too honest, am I being too straight forward, cause what I'm feeling is all my good hearted actions and my honesty is killing myself, everyone is taking advantage on it. So from now on, I will not reveal all my things easily to people around me, I'm being too kind and too easy to explore by others which makes people feel that I'm invaluable because they don't need to do anything for me to tell anything they want to hear. It's hard to be a good person, and being a good and kind person won't get you anywhere in this society, your kindness and honesty will just put you in trouble in the working life and this fucked up life.

Hello

Wow, Didn't know it was 3 months since I updated my blog.
Well everyone says working life time will pass really fast, it's true.

Been busy working alone ever since my supervisor resigned.
Working life is tough as hell, but sometimes I feels like working do really need some passion and motivation, which I'm lacking on.
Lots of changes have been made within the company, lots of decisions I've made for myself as well, at least my life wasn't so miserable compared to how I was.
I feel really glad that I've changed to a much more better person by now. Friends doesn't tease me as the emo guy any more, they feel glad too with the changes that I've made to myself. Human is just the type of thing that we need to grow day by day. Being better and better

Seems like love life is always the thing that is fated to me.
A new colleague started working with me, she is pretty, intelligent, dedicated and potential.
I'm not sure how can I describe her, she's just the type of girl that every guy will fall for her, she's way too charming. And the sad thing is I can't differentiate the feeling of love or like any more. It seems like I like her because she's beautiful? Or I'm liking her because she's a really intelligent girl that I'm looking for. I'm not sure about it, everyone that knows her appearance encourage me to approach her, I wanted to, just that I don't know how. I'm never good at initiating a conversation and maintaining the flow. Still not sure what's my feeling to her, some say I already started to like her, some just ask me to go for it cause I'm too damn lucky to have her as my colleague.

Can't deny I admire her deep inside my heart, she helped me solve out the problem I'm facing for 8 months in my company the moment she joined the company for only two days. I don't know what motivated her to help me out in my problem with the management, but she just helped me out and I feel really thankful. Yet again she's elder than me and just because she's mature and it led me to think that she might not be interested in me. Maybe it's just some sort of excuse for myself since I don't really dare to start anything. I don't know, I'm still confused between the feeling of love, like or lonely.

Other than that, life starting to makes sense to me. Have some own way to generate more income which I don't give a damn about it in the past. But yeah, everything is improving, will be better from time to time. So I guess that's it, nothing really much about my life for now as I don't brag about how sad I'm feeling any more. Just wish me luck? Will update again when I'm free, cheers

Happy Birthday

Didn't realize that the last update was one month ago, time flies. Just a short post, wishing someone happy birthday here sincerely. Can't deny that i still miss you sometimes. Hope you enjoy your 25th birthday. Cheers~

Busy life

Finally I'm free to update this blog. It's been a really long fortnight I had. Been meeting lots and lots of friends in the past two weeks. Some of them I didn't see them for quite some time, the longest one are around 7 years. I love meeting new peoples as there are different stories and experience to me. One of my senior which is the one that I did not met her for 7 years, she taught me lot of things and guiding me on my pathway for life. I really have to thank her for that cause she noticed that I was too emotional and i was kind of shocked when she reached me and asked me to meet up with her. 

Couldn't really remember which day it is, but it was a meaningful day. She's really independent and potential in her career. After meeting up with her i wonder myself how could a girl be so positive and motivated than me in her career and life. Life is always wonderful, although i know me and you are not going to have a chance to meet or talk anymore, but i really wishing you sincerely from my heart to have a happy and satisfying life. Your life was hard, now you deserve to enjoy and do whatever you want cause all you want is simple and freedom. I knew what i did wrong and it was just me being me, I would like to apologize to you even if you're not reading this anymore. 

I used to let relationship being at the first place in my life. But now i know i couldn't, because I'm never a good lover. I'm not capable in maintaining a relationship yet, I'm just not mature and stable enough. There's so many other things for me to work and improve for my future life, been reading lots and lots of inspirational quotes and short stories. I know I have to let go, the ring you gave me will remind me on things I need to do. I just want to thank you for being there for me, loved me for that moment although it's a short period, I'm really glad to have you and you're the first ex that I never hate or regret having you. Of course I still hope we can be friends, but i know after things I said and done it just makes everything goes impossible. 

Responsibility is getting heavier, I started to feel pressure on my shoulder. Now i see all the politics happening in the working life, everything is a psychology war. Everything is done mentally, not behaviorally. There's much more for me to learn, for me I know things that I've learnt up to date is just so little. Sometimes I still get distracted from work easily and I'm not really disciplined enough. I do really prefer working life over study life, it's much more meaningful and challenging for me. Can't really recall what I did for this two weeks but i only know i met up with all my friends from primary school until university friends. 

Life is hard, live smart, don't live hard.

How are you

Wondering how are you doing now. Didn't hear from you for two days, guess you're really mad at me or you're really keen in forgetting me by now. Reading back all the text, scrolling through all the photos doesn't change anything. I know you might never come back again, we might be like stranger as if we never met each other before. Doesn't really dare to text you, I don't know what to say in the text, everything just goes blank. Miss your laughter miss your voice miss your tight hug. How much I wish we still can have dinner together on every weekdays and lunch on weekends. 

Maybe everything will just fade into memories. I can't really differentiate anymore, my feelings are so complicated and mixed up. Not sure if we should still talk or meet, whatever it is, just want you to be happy. 

Haru Haru (Day by Day)

Leave

Yeah, Finally I realize that I am nothing without you

I was so wrong, forgive me

Ah ah ah ah

My broken heart like a wave

My shaken heart like a wind

My heart vanished like smoke

It can't be removed like a tattoo

I sigh deeply as if a ground is going to cave in

Only dusts are piled up in my mind

(Say goodbye)

Yeah, I thought I wouldn't be able to live even one day without you

But somehow I managed to live on (longer) than I thought

You don't answer anything as I cry out "I miss you"

I hope for a vain expectation but now it's useless

What is it about that person next to you, did he make you cry?

Dear can you even see me, did you forget completely?

I am worried, I feel anxiety because I can't get close nor try to talk to you

I spend long nights by myself, erasing my thoughts a thousand times

[Chorus]

Don't look back and leave

Don't find me again and live (on)

Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories

I can bear it in some way

I can stand in some way

You should be happy if you are like this

I become dull day by day (eh eh eh eh)

Oh girl I cry, cry

You're my all, say goodbye... 

If we pass by each other on the street

Act like you didn't see me and go the way you were walking to

If you keep thinking about our past memories

I might go look for you secretly

Always be happy with him, (so) I won't ever get a different mind

Even smallest regret won't be left out ever

Please live well as if I should feel jealous

You should always be like that bright sky, like that white cloud

Yes, you should always smile like that as if nothing happened

[Chorus]

I hope your heart fees relieved

Please forget about me and live (on)

Those tears will dry completely

As time passes by

It would've hurt less if we didn't meet at all (mm)

Hope you will bury our promise of being together forever baby

I pray for you

[Chorus]

Oh girl I cry, cry

You're my all, say goodbye, bye

Oh my love don't lie, lie

You're my heart, say goodbye

________________________________________________

Guess you're very pissed off with me now. I never have a good ending even after broke up, how much I hope we can stay friends, i never manage to stay friends with my ex after broke up, I'm so bad in ending, why do I have to do something that people will get angry at me. I don't wanna be enemy with anyone, believe it or not I really doesn't mean things I said when I'm angry. I'm still so poor in controlling my anger and those hurtful words.

I never say that I don't wanna be friends with you, hope you can give me a chance to explain myself. Whether you see this or not, I just wanna explain everything. 

From the first week of our date, I already know we won't last long. I didn't remind myself of that, in fact i turn everything around convincing myself that we will be together, cause our first two weeks of outing were really sweet and at that point I really started to think that we will last long. You were right, all the time I'm the one who can't accept the fact and we both know that we can't be together. 

Hurt now is better than sooner, you are right again. I'm just too stubborn to let go, to be more precise, I don't wanna let go. That was before, but now I know I have to let go. You sneaking out is a nightmare for you every time you go home, it become worse whenever he checks on you and whenever he calls when you're with me. I always said I know how you feel, truth is I know, but I still doing things that let you feel the same. I'm really not capable in loving you, i know you're scared i know you're worried but still i ask you out everyday.

Ever since we broke up everyday you're still texting me worried that I'll do something stupid and worried that I can't get over everything. Sometimes I doesn't feel like replying cause chatting with you makes me miss you more. I know everything was real for the 73 days, it's unforgettable for me, you did everything you could, sacrifice every single thing you could just to see me for the 73 days. I was really touched at a few occasion, eg.( find me at garage, rush to see when i accident, went summit to see me play basketball on surprise) And I'm even proud enough to tell my friends that this girl really loves me and she's doing lots of things for me despite the relationship. 

You can cut off everything easily and faster than me because our love for each other is different. You cut it off cause you can't stand the pressure and fear. But I'm different, I always tell you that you can treat me as a friend. It doesn't means that I must love you until the end, is just that I need time to slowly control my feelings for you. I can't let go so easily because I have nothing behind my back to pressure me to stop this relationship, I put in all my heart and energy to our relationship although I know it won't work in the end. I hope you understand, I need time to slow down my feelings cause I love you for real too. As i know you really feel annoyed cause of me talking about feelings every time and every day. I admit it, I'm still childish although I'm thinking I'm mature, I'm not mature at all. 

Whether you're still reading this or not, I just want to tell you that I hope we are still friends. Hopefully the next time we talk or seeing each other I'll be grown up and not this childish little kid anymore. This will be the last post of me describing my feelings for you. It's enough, I know you heard enough of my feelings for you. I doesn't want to annoy you anymore, even I myself feels that I'm doing and saying a lot a lot of unnecessary things. 

I wish you happy in your life wholeheartedly. I just want to thank you for everything within the 73 days. It means a lot to me and this short period makes me know myself better and makes me want to improve myself more. If we really doesn't have to chance to talk or see each other anymore, I can only blame myself on my silly acts. Yes I can't blame you for how we met and what we did on first date, i fall for you too on the first sight. Just that if you still remember me in the future, please do not hesitate to find me. I will be there to support you as a friend. And the ring you gave me, I will keep it very well and wearing it everyday as a reminder for myself to be a better person. You need a break and you need some space to breathe, maybe you already totally lost respect to me as you said, I wouldn't have the courage to text you anymore, I can only wait until the day if you are willing to forgive me and be friends with me again. Wish everything will go smooth in your life, stay happy, stay positive, appreciate the one around you. Thank you for letting me being part of your life.

Day by day, hope your heart feels relieved